I feel like if there is anything that developing this planner and taking on these smaller goals has done, it’s that it has lessened my generalized anxiety and instead allowed me to focus that anxiety on one thing at a time. Overall I feel like I am more level headed and less anxious in my day to day life, I feel more organized and like my life and my house are under control. But that also means when a problem crops up I have all this free space in my brain to obsess over it an analyze it. Sometimes that works, like I feel like it’s already helped me become a better communicator and partner which has been super handy! Open communication and problem solving are at an all time high in our house which is pretty dang cool. On the flip side all the problems that exist outside of my two person home life are driving me insane and I have way too much free mental space to focus on them and see all the ways these problems are not isolated things, but effect every inch of my life.
Which, if i’m trying to frame it positively, is a good thing because it allows me to get to the root of my problems easier and identify which areas of my life I really need to work on and which areas were just shallow excuses for problems and were a two second fix. So thinking positively, freeing up my head space and clearing out small anxieties in order to make room for the important, more heartbreaking issues, is a positive step forward. But then again that’s harder to justify when I find myself crying about a problem I hadn’t previously identified, or a problem that i’d been keeping myself from paying attention to, so much more frequently. I’m no stranger to tears, i’ll admit that much. I cry at dog food commercials, bank commercials, when something particularly touching pops up on facebook, when I think about puppies, you know, the usual. Earnestly being upset about things in a big enough way that causes me such blatant emotional distress however is new to me. I’m not usually this seriously distressed about things and that’s troubling to me. Am I doing the right thing here?
I think taking that step back and allowing myself to see the bigger picture of it is helpful, because yes I am making some very positive changes based on that distress, I am making cognizant moves and confronting things that are holding me back. It’s just that until I feel like i’ve solved the problem(s) it won’t get any better and i’ll continue to be upset more earnestly than i’m used to. I’ll continue to be afflicted more deeply than i’m accustomed to, but i’ll continue to try and fix those problems with positive actions.
So that’s how i’ve been lately. I’ve always been someone who pays an immense amount of attention to how i’m doing emotionally and how i’m holding up because it’s necessary for my survival so sometimes when I do something, like share those thoughts in a public forum, it feels both validating, and also crazy. Who thinks about themselves this much? Probably the same person who feels it’s necessary to completely reinvent and reinterpret a planner into a life management and personal development tool that’s who. I think what’s most frustrating is just that I know I want to get somewhere but I have no idea where that place is right now and it’s scary.
With all of that being said let me tell you about how last week went:
Bedtime goals: Still killing it. It has reinvented my mornings and I feel great. I really feel the effects the next morning when I don’t do these things. For example I didn’t do them on Sunday night this week and I woke up Monday and felt so much more harried and rushed to get ready. I made it to work early that day and everything but it still didn’t take away from the fact that my morning was off and it took me longer than usual to get into the swing of things, a terrible way to play yourself on a Monday for sure. Because the night time routine has been so successful though it’s made me think that I need to develop a morning routine as motivation to get out of bed on time because the main thing holding me back from waking up not at the last minute is the fact that I do still make it to work early with no problems. I want a more relaxed morning though!
Wake up before 6 a.m.: Obviously this was the failure. It happened once last week. I’m going to establish a morning routine and also get an actual alarm clock because the clock function on my phone will not open since the update and it’s killing me!
Meet my 10k step goal everyday: I mostly did this one. There were two days I didn’t but I was close so i’m not too upset about it. Unfortunately my jawbone decided to break on Sunday and the customer service department is turning out to be zero help so yeah i’ll have to figure that one out I guess.
Only eat food I cook: NOPE. This was a willful failure. The flesh is weak in the face of pizza and other free food items. I set myself up for failure. It does help me recognize my food choices so i’ll take it but yeah. Big nope on that one.
I’m going to go ahead and end this post here because I want a fresh slate for this next week and the start of May.
So until next time,